*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.