That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.