nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I love the National Park Service.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober