American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..