movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Festive toon…
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..