They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.