“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My circle of trust is a meatball
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.