[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me driving through Toronto
when someone compliments me
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣