Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?