i was baptized in a car wash
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
where’s Godzilla when we need him
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.