Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
So creative 😂
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?