Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
This sounds bad:
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.