Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.