If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly