Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
im 7 sauces long
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.