announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
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my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are