I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
the best thing i’ve ever made
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.