Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
You Might Also Like
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
🤣
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls