Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡