PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
You Might Also Like
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I will never stop laughing at this
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.