The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.