I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
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When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?