15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.