I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.