look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Good morning y’all ☀️
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!