Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.