worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
You Might Also Like
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”