therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Cinematography is my passion
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE