Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it