For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan