Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
#SCOTUS one-star review
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people