It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Brother?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.