Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
DOOO EEEET
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh