End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.