I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
<- sleeps well with others
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
A friend helps you before you need it
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.