Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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I love hard, but I stupid harder.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”