“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.