Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
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Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
What personal space?
My dog