ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I鈥檓 empowering anyone or anything I鈥檒l quit.
Well, that didn’t work.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Go ahead and kidnap me. You鈥檒l return me when my meds wear off.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses鈥hat optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
SPLOOT
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀鉂わ笍
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
馃槀馃槀
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that鈥檚 a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol鈥o
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey鈥檚 in my coffee, right?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap