4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
You Might Also Like
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas