“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”