Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
2022 will be better than 2021
the saddest jazz hands ever
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history