Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.