Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
You Might Also Like
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?