If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
#oldknees
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery