health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.