there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss