When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?