SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
that wasn’t the question
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now