*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
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*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My dad.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
when someone compliments me
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.